The Onion

The Medical-Marijuana Ban

May 9, 2001 | Issue 37•19

Last week, the Supreme Court ruled 8-0 that federal law does not allow a "medical necessity" exception to the ban on marijuana use. What do you think?

Old Woman

Diane Denkinger,
Realtor
"Good. Medical marijuana is a gateway drug, and many who use it go on to use stronger stuff–even engaging in full-blown chemotherapy."

Young Man

David Dawson,
Mechanic
"Luckily, people with health problems still have the healing powers of alcohol at their disposal."

Young Woman

Patti D'Andrea,
Tour Guide
"You know, those Cheech & Chong movies come off as very warm and human if you see them as simple dramas about two dying friends."

Asian Man

Radu Manogian,
File Clerk
"What? I can't believe I voted for David Souter in the High Times Hemp 100."

Old Man

Burt Allenby,
Systems Analyst
"The terminally ill need to learn that you can have fun without all the drugs."

Black Man

Marlon Edwards,
Civil Engineer
"If they really wanted to stop people from smoking pot, they should legalize medical marijuana. Under this country's health-care system, nobody would be able to get it."

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