The Onion

MIA Remains In North Korea

June 7, 2000 | Issue 36•21

U.S. and North Korean officials are meeting in Kuala Lumpur this week to discuss efforts to recover the remains of 8,000 American soldiers missing in action in the Korean War. What do you think?

Young Man

Benjamin Ryback,
Landscaper
"I don't know about you, but I certainly don't want those remains back. Have you seen that shit? It's nasty."

Young Woman

Jennifer Teague,
Law Student
"Did someone check the bathroom for those missing soldiers? Because my grandpa is a Korean War vet, and that's where we always find him."

Old Woman

Carol Clark,
Retiree
"Finally, I'll be able to be at peace when the bone shards and crushed skull of my loved one, gunned down in the prime of his life, are returned to me."

Black Man

Davis Franklin,
Banker
"How can we worry about Korea when there are still bodies missing from the Punic Wars?"

Old Man

Robert Dorner,
Systems Analyst
"Know who else is apparently missing in action? My waitress. I ordered those goddamn wings almost 15 minutes ago."

Asian Man

Don Oberkfell,
Electrician
"We must get the MIAs back alive. Failing that, we must get back their remains. Failing that, we must get back their droppings."

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