The Onion

Federal Security Breaches

May 31, 2000 | Issue 36•20

Last week, it was reported that federal investigators carrying fake law-enforcement credentials were able to penetrate security at 21 government buildings, including the Pentagon, CIA, FBI, and Justice Department. What do you think about these alarming security breaches?

Black Man

Ahmed al Assan,
Terrorist
"As a terrorist, I say the public release of this report detailing specific security flaws in key federal buildings is a positive first step."

Asian Man

Mike Hoyle,
Landscaper
"I was once able to infiltrate security at an exclusive Miami beach club by posing as a Federal Bikini Inspector."

Young Man

Todd Cudahy,
Clerk
"This report is just another excuse by Big Brother in Washington to curb our personal liberties and create a police state to, uh, to... whoa, man, I am so baked."

Old Woman

Carol Christiansen,
Homemaker
"I bet I could be an FBI agent. No, wait–not 'be,' 'kill.'"

Old Man

Max Arledge,
Systems Analyst
"Federal security's not as bad as they say. I haven't gotten into the Lincoln Bedroom yet."

Young Woman

Denise Petry,
Psychologist
"The government hasn't been secure since Nancy Reagan took away its little blue blankie back in 1984."

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