The Onion

The Al-Qaeda Captives

February 6, 2002 | Issue 38•04

U.S. leaders are divided over whether al-Qaeda detainees in Cuba should be classified as POWs and protected under Geneva Convention laws. What do you think?

Young Man

Roger Koss,
File Clerk
"Goddammit, just when we finally get some prisoners, everybody wants us to be all nice to them."

Black Man

Donald Matthews,
Architect
"I have to admit, it's funny the way those Marines had them bowing twice a day in the direction of Oscar Mayer world headquarters."

Old Man

Bruce Nowell,
Systems Analyst
"This is a totally different situation. Those Geneva Convention laws were written back when we were fighting white people."

Asian Man

Marcus Moore,
Landscaper
"Geneva Convention, Schmeneva Convention. Refute that, if you possess the erudition."

Old Woman

Diana George,
Homemaker
"We need to rough up these al-Qaeda guys a little if we're ever going to get them to confess who the one true God is."

Young Woman

Danielle Lund,
Florist
"I don't think we should risk making martyrs of these men. Notice I said 'martyrs,' not 'quadriplegics.'"

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