The Onion

The Spam Epidemic

May 28, 2003 | Issue 39•20

Congress is exploring ways to combat the problem of "spam," the wave of junk e-mail that has clogged e-mail systems and cost U.S. businesses billions. What do you think?

Young Man

Gene Kelso,
Office Manager
"Thank goodness Congress is going to do something about this problem. This should all be cleared up in, like, three weeks."

Asian Man

Andrew Reed,
Forklift Operator
"Gee, you make one little online inquiry into dripping wet teen pussies getting pounded by 12-inch horse cocks, and you're swamped for the rest of your life."

Young Woman

Patti Robles,
Art Director
"Every day, I get these annoying spams that are nothing but cookie recipes and forwarded articles about the benefits of Vitamin C and photos of cats. Wait--those are from my mom."

Black Man

Alfred Mugabe,
Businessman
"MY NAME IS ALFRED MUGABE. I KNOW OF 10 MILLIONS U.S. DOLLARS IN A NIGERIAN BANK AND MUST FIND AN ACCOUNT INTO WHICH TO TRANSFER THE MONIES."

Old Woman

Marcia Haines,
Real-Estate Broker
"If not for spam, I never would have met my boyfriend. His name is 8g391b66t274@prize- claimcenter.com."

Old Man

Chris Kingery,
Systems Analyst
"Even more disturbing than this never-ending torrent of junk e-mail is the fact that, apparently, they must actually work once in a while."

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