The Onion

Off His Rocker?

January 19, 2000 | Issue 36•01

In a recent Sports Illustrated article, Atlanta Braves relief pitcher John Rocker called a Latin-American teammate "a fat monkey," insulted Asians and single mothers, and said he would never play for a New York team because he didn't want to ride a subway "next to some queer with AIDS." As a result, baseball commissioner Bud Selig ordered Rocker to undergo psychological testing. What do you think?

Old Woman

Emily Cord,
Teacher
"Why do we crucify the one man brave enough to speak out against the raging epidemic of ethnic diversity in America?"

Asian Man

Sunji Bardeekian,
Shopkeeper
"Me come to America to take away good jobs and buy beautiful white womans. Why he so mad?"

Young Woman

Lisa Rinaldi,
Lawyer
"If I hated blacks and Hispanics, I'd definitely go into baseball."

Old Man

Richard Hamill,
Systems Analyst
"I can't believe an organization like the Atlanta Braves would be associated with racism. It almost makes me ashamed to do the Tomahawk Chop."

Young Man

Wayne Langham,
Truck Driver
"This Rocker affair is not unprecedented. In 1910, Ty Cobb underwent psychological testing after using the word 'nigger.' Luckily, he was able to get the help he needed in time."

Black Man

Kenneth Billups,
Civil Engineer
"It makes sense that John Rocker would be shocked by the sight of blacks and unwed mothers with multiple children, being from Georgia and all."

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