The Onion

First Family In Crisis

September 2, 1998 | Issue 34•05

In the wake of the Lewinsky scandal, media focus has shifted to the First Family, with some speculating that Bill and Hillary will divorce upon leaving the White House. What do you think about the future of the Clintons?

Wimpy Guy

Barry Todd,
Lawyer
"Hillary must be deeply hurt and angered that her husband broke his sacred vow to keep his extramarital affairs from the press."

Minority Guy

Biswot Salaam,
Factory Worker
"As a Sudanese factory worker, I sincerely hope that Bill Clinton remains faithful to his wife during his remaining time in office."

Girl With Glasses

Renee Walker,
Manicurist
"I used to think Hillary was a bitch, but all that's changed now that I see her as a victim."

Blonde Girl

Gina Lyons,
Systems Analyst
"I'm just glad Hillary hasn't stood by her man like some good little woman like Tammy Wynette."

Other Guy

Larry Klecko,
Opthamologist
"That recent vacation on Martha's Vineyard was just what Hillary needed–a break from the pressure of constantly feigning surprise and indignation."

Guy With Sunglasses

Rick Leahy,
Carpenter
"One thing's for sure: It'll be years before Chelsea is willing to give a guy a blow job."

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