The Onion

Is The Economy Turning Around?

July 9, 2003 | Issue 39•26

The Dow recently passed 9,000 for the first time in nearly a year, raising hopes that the economy is finally poised for a turnaround. What do you think?

Young Man

Lou Alessandro,
Truck Driver
"It's turning around? Hang on, I want to mention this to the guy repossessing my couch."

Old Woman

Mary Bohnert,
Homemaker
"They're just playing up the economy to distract us from the war."

Young Woman

Kathie Coombes,
Hurdler
"As a hurdler, I must warn you: Even though the economy has cleared this hurdle, there will likely be more hurdles to hurdle soon."

Old Man

Karl Edmonds,
Systems Analyst
"Ah, the economy! How my soul stirs at the thought of discussing it! Sit! Sit! 'Tis a beautiful day, and we have all afternoon!"

Asian Man

Mark Adams,
Shipping Clerk
"Do we have enough for another war yet? How about an Olympics? Can I get another $300?"

Black Man

Mike Ory,
Unemployed
"And with the low interest rates, there's never been a better time to buy a home. Oh, wait–I'm fucking unemployed."

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