The Onion

School Shootings

June 3, 1998 | Issue 33•21

On May 21, Springfield, OR, 15-year-old Kip Kinkel opened fire in his high-school, killing two students and wounding 22 others. What do you think about the recent rash of school shootings?

Guy With Sunglasses

Benjamin Reed,
Optometrist
"I have no idea what would drive a young person like Kip Kinkel to hate and kill. Unless, of course, it's his fruity-ass name."

Girl With Glasses

Stephanie Piersall,
Systems Analyst
"Something must be done: Our white kids are dying."

Other Guy

Darrell Oliver,
Cartographer
"What 15-year-old doesn't dream of taking out his whole class? And who are we to tell a child not to pursue his dreams?"

Minority Guy

Greg Goff,
Waiter
"It's obvious that what America needs today is Jim Belushi as The Principal."

Blonde Girl

Kendra Schmidt,
Guidance Counselor
"These kids should settle their differences with a heart-to-heart teen rap session."

Wimpy Guy

Stephen Loring,
Graphic Designer
"Kids shooting kids with rifles? What has this world come to? A snub-nose .45 offers much better stopping power."

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