The Onion

The Boy Scout Crackdown

April 1, 1998 | Issue 33•12

In a controversial decision, the California Supreme Court recently upheld the Boy Scouts Of America's right to ban homosexuals from its ranks, as either scouts or Scoutmasters. What do you think?

Wimpy Guy

Mitchell Tanner,
Construction Worker
"Wrestling in the woods, rubbing down my fellow scouts with calamine lotion, packing six into a tent... I loved scouting, and I'm sure glad it won't be tainted by homosexuals."

Blonde Girl

Suzanne Parker,
Telemarketer
"It's terrible that they would kick a kid out of the Scouts for being gay. They should tie him to a tree and beat the shit out of him."

Guy With Sunglasses

Isaac Foli,
Systems Analyst
"I guess my 'Gag-Reflex Suppression' merit badge is pretty useless now."

Girl With Glasses

Risa Stargell,
Teacher
"This sidesteps the real issue: With the Cold War long over, does the U.S. really need to continue to maintain the world's largest standing Boy Scout force?"

Other Guy

Todd Easler,
Speech Pathologist
"As long as the Girl Scouts are straight, that's all that matters: No way I'm buying Do-si-dos from a lesbo."

Minority Guy

George Tekulve,
Postal Worker
"All those kids who find themselves kicked out of conventional scouting are free to attend my first annual North American Man-Boy Scouting Association Camporee. Bring your trunks!"

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