The Onion

Chemical-Biological Weapons

March 17, 1998 | Issue 33•10

Popping up everywhere from Iraq to Nevada in recent months, chemical and biological weapons are regarded by many experts as the war instrument of the future. What do you think about the threat of these so-called "weapons of mass destruction"?

Girl With Glasses

Susan Uselmann,
Student
"There's been a lot of negative talk about biological weapons lately. But believe me, you haven't lived until your lymph nodes have swelled to the size of musk melons."

Minority Guy

Kenneth Choudhury,
Architect
"I was exposed to anthrax once, and it wasn't that bad, except for the spewing jets of pus part."

Guy With Sunglasses

Steve Jordan,
Teacher
"Speaking of biological weapons, don't go into the men's room. I just dropped a big fucking bomb in there, man."

Blonde Girl

Jeanne Whalen,
Journalist
"I understand that the hated Kaiser and his marauding Huns are in possession of deadly mustard gas."

Other Guy

Chad Wilson,
Systems Analyst
"The government has been been in possession of secret biological doomsday weapons for decades, but covered it up with a shadow conspiracy. Want to see some downloaded Gillian Anderson nudie pics?"

Wimpy Guy

Matt Morris,
Lawyer
"Those soldiers in the Gulf War came into contact with some chemical that still gives them hallucinations and uncontrollable spasms. You wouldn't happen to know where I could get some of that stuff, do you?"

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