The Onion

Quaking All Over

September 29, 1999 | Issue 35•35

In the past five weeks, two massive earthquakes have killed thousands in Turkey and Taiwan. What do you think about this sudden spate of pre-millennial natural disasters?

Young Woman

Diane Dahm,
Florist
"Surely this is a sign from God. It's His way of telling us that plates far below the Earth's surface are shifting on top of molten magma."

Old Man

Larry Selsberg,
Systems Analyst
"I have no sympathy for these earthquake victims. If they didn't want to take the risk, they shouldn't have been living on the planet's surface."

Young Man

Steve LaFleur,
Cable Installer
"Of course all those cheap buildings fell down. Never trust anything made in Taiwan."

Old Woman

Judith Ambrose,
Teacher
"In 1992, I experienced a panquake while eating at IHOP. Try as you might, you just can't put a traumatic event like that out of your mind."

Asian Man

Wesley Vebber,
Bus Driver
"Sorry about that whole earth-moving thing. It's just that my girlfriend and I have such amazing sex."

Black Man

Frederick Garden,
Comptroller
"I don't mean to sound insensitive, but I have to ask: Was there anyone on the scene with an IMAX camera?"

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