The Onion

Trying Children As Adults

November 24, 1999 | Issue 35•43

Last week, a Michigan jury convicted a 13-year-old boy of second-degree murder for a crime he committed as an 11-year-old. What do you think of the growing legal trend of trying children as adults?

Old Man

Stanley Gibson,
Federal Judge
"As a federal judge and longtime closet pederast, I am strongly in favor of trying 11-year-olds as adults."

Young Woman

Liz Strunck,
Teacher
"I hope the adult courts have some of those plastic booster chairs."

Old Woman

Hannah Leigh,
Psychologist
"I do not believe minors should be allowed to shoot people, nor do I believe their victims should be allowed to die."

Young Man

John Roble,
Bartender
"Come on, people, didn't any of you go through a rebellious homicidal phase during adolescence? You grow out of it."

Black Man

Bill Buchanan,
Systems Analyst
"I believe the children are our future: nasty, brutish and short."

Asian Man

Daniel Doering,
File Clerk
"Children should face the same consequences as adults for committing murder: four years in a federal penitentiary."

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