The Onion

Breast Implants For Teens

September 8, 1999 | Issue 35•32

According to a recent study, there has been a sharp rise in breast-implant surgery among teenage girls over the past five years. What do you think about this trend?

Black Man

Dan Warren,
Systems Analyst
"As a parent of a 15-year-old girl, I must speak out on this issue. You can't imagine how difficult it is to successfully raise an A- or B-cup student."

Old Woman

Margot Dutler,
Homemaker
"It's about time these girls started paying attention to their appearance."

Old Woman

Lydia Cole,
Hostess
"It's better to give a young girl the implants she wants in a safe, reliable medical facility than for her to get them on the street."

Old Man

Marshall Boone,
Broker
"Our society is a victim of badly misplaced priorities. We should be focusing on our teens' sweet little asses."

Asian Man

Ted Ghopal,
Barber
"I don't think breast implants for teens are a good idea. It's hard enough to have sex with them as it is."

Young Man

Paul Presser,
Custodian
"Why do teenage girls need breast implants to be more popular? Can't they learn to smoke instead?"

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