The Onion

The Medicare Crisis

February 3, 1999 | Issue 35•04

Medicare, which provides health insurance to 40 million elderly Americans, is projected to go bankrupt by 2008. What do you think about this impending crisis?

Old Woman

Harriet Alston,
Operator
"If God had meant for us to help the aged and infirm, He certainly would have put it in The Bible."

Old Man

Randall Essian,
Hospital Administrator
"I'm doing my part to save Medicare by turning all the IV drips in my hospital to half-power."

Young Man

Victor Keough,
Electrician
"Why should we keep offering the elderly all these free handouts? They're just going to spend it all on a bunch of dialysis and shit."

Young Woman

Iris Heaverlo,
Student
"So what if a few million old people die? Are they, like, scarce or something?"

Black Man

Lawrence Dilone,
Systems Analyst
"Somebody in Washington should call for health-care reform."

Asian Man

David Armas,
Sales Clerk
"How much could it cost to shut away the elderly with a black-and-white TV and some cat food? A couple hundred a year?"

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