The Onion

Evolution In Our Schools

August 25, 1999 | Issue 35•30

On Aug. 11 the Kansas Board of Education approved new science standards which de-emphasize the teaching of evolution. What do you think of this controversial decision?

Old Man

William J. Rubin,
Robotics Technician
"What? You've got to be kidding me! Kansas has schools?"

Old Woman

Annie Kaplan,
Real Estate Agent
"I don't want my kids learning none of that 'devilution' or about, um, the... 'sin bang.' Give me a minute. I can do better."

Young Woman

Julia Snyder-Barnes,
Typesetter
"Evolution? I know it's true from personal experience. I used to be a butterfly."

Young Man

Marty LaFarge,
Flooring Installer
"Listen here. My ancestors weren't no monkey-fuckers."

Asian Man

Stan Crouse,
Appliance Repairer
"As a Kansan, I just ask myself, 'WWJD?' I figure he'd want to wear white button-up shirts, drink beer, cheer the Jayhawks, and set education in this state back about 100 years."

Black Man

Paul Bromfield,
Systems Analyst
"I choose to believe in the unambiguous facts yielded by astronomy, geology, paleontology, history and common sense. Forgive me,
Jesus."

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