The Onion

No Relief From The Heat

August 11, 1999 | Issue 35•28

In the past four weeks, extreme heat has claimed the lives of more than 300 Americans. What do you think of the record temperatures gripping the nation?

Old Woman

Ruth Fanzone,
Teacher
"Heat wave? What are you talking about? It's been exactly 68 degrees all month. Oh, you mean outside."

Asian Man

Peter Morales,
Janitor
"The heat is on. On the street. Inside your head. In every beat. Oh-uh-whoa-oh, oh-uh-whoa-oh, caught up in the action, I'm-a lookin' out for you."

Old Man

Gene Reuschel,
Systems Analyst
"They say this sort of heat leads to a rise in violent crime. Whoever said that is so fucking stupid, I'd like to smash their fucking brains out."

Young Woman

Danielle Kessinger,
Student
"It gives me hope, really. It makes me want to be a better person. Oh, 'the heat'? I'm sorry, I thought you said, 'the example set by America's firemen.'"

Young Man

Don Hooton,
Delivery Driver
"In times like this, we need to remember the elderly. Never, ever leave a senior in the car with the windows rolled all the way up."

Black Man

Isaac Stone,
Banker
"I don't see what the big deal is. I happen to enjoy walking around in air that has the temperature and consistency of dog phlegm."

Cut-and-paste

Include:

Preview

Copy and paste this code into a new post in Blogger, MySpace, or any other blog tool. It will display this Onion headline, picture, and teaser copy on your page, depending on what you select above.

It's up to you to write the rest of the blog post.

 

Text This Headline

 

Powered by TeleFlip use to email to any cell phone

  • Print
  • blog this
  • StumbleUpon
  • Reddit
  • digg this

Personal of the Day