The Onion

Boxing's Black Eye

March 31, 1999 | Issue 35•12

A New York grand jury is investigating whether judges received illegal payments in connection with the controversial March 13 Evander Holyfield-Lennox Lewis title fight, which was ruled a draw despite the fact that Lewis seemed to have easily beaten Holyfield. What do you think about this latest boxing scandal?

Black Man

Christopher Wooten,
Bond Trader
"Can't two black men beat the holy hell out of each other in this country any more without some sort of controversy?"

Young Woman

Amy Des Jardins,
Graduate Student
"Thank heavens Muhammad Ali isn't lucid enough to comprehend this shameful episode."

Old Man

Roger Traub,
Systems Analyst
"I saw the fight, and the decision was a complete sham. It was clear that Willie Pep had knocked out Kid Bassey in the fifth. What? The fight wasn't on Classic Sports Network?"

Asian Man

Rajesh Bhawnani,
Shipping Clerk
"With regard to boxing, I have only one question: Why'd you fuck Joey?"

Old Woman

Frances Phelan,
Pastry Chef
"It's the children I feel sorry for; the doe-eyed, apple-cheeked cherubs who look up to these sledge-fisted brutes."

Young Man

Larry Mees,
Plumber
"What? A boxing match may have been fixed? That's fascinating. Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to go contemplate the fact that I'm basically alone in the universe."

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