The Onion

A Nation Of Prisoners

March 24, 1999 | Issue 35•11

According to a recent Justice Department report, the number of jailed Americans more than doubled over the past 12 years, and the U.S. could soon pass Russia as the nation with the highest rate of imprisonment. What do you think about America's soaring prison population?

Young Man

John Montefusco,
Cab Driver
"I don't understand how the prison population has boomed. I mean, I know those guys screw all the time, but they can't get pregnant that way, can they?"

Asian Man

Omar Minton,
Prep Cook
"For years, I've been calling for the construction of an interdimensional Phantom Zone to deal with this overcrowding problem."

Young Woman

Diane Ivie,
CEO
"As CEO of Amalgamated Tin Cups & Orange Fabric, I say hooray!"

Old Woman

Helen Metzger,
Systems Analyst
"There are far too many people in prison. Obviously, this country doesn't have enough high-profile defense attorneys."

Old Man

David Halicki,
Investment Banker
"Shockingly, a full 40 percent of U.S. prisoners are incarcerated on marijuana-possession charges. You don't expect us to just let these fiends go, do you?"

Black Man

Dennis Herndon,
Magazine Editor
"I have only one question: How will this affect the Internet?"

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