The Onion

The Winter Olympics

February 11, 1998 | Issue 33•05

The 18th Olympic Winter Games began this week, turning the world's attention to Nagano, Japan. What do you think about the arrival of this quadrennial athletic event?

Guy With Sunglasses

Tyler Hunt,
Shipping Clerk
"Yeah! Time to kick some Towelhead butt! USA! USA! Oh, the Olympics? Shit. I thought you said 'war.'"

Other Guy

Larry Baer,
Architect
"You know, I was just saying the other day that there isn't enough ice-skating on television."

Wimpy Guy

Roy Strypczynski,
Systems Analyst
"There is nothing more thrilling than watching spandex-clad Aryans lay on top of each other at high speeds via nine-hour tape delay from Japan."

Minority Guy

David Puhl,
Construction Worker
"Olympics? I think I ate there once. They have, like, cheeseburgers and gyros and stuff, right?"

Blonde Girl

Caroline Kelley,
Student
"Thank goodness they've added Autumn Olympics in 1999 and Spring Olympics in 2001. No year is complete without a once-every-four-years Olympic competition."

Girl With Glasses

Marie Colquitt,
Civil Engineer
"I am so excited, I'm going to run out and use my Visa card right now."

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