The Onion

Oprah Vs. The Beef Industry

February 3, 1998 | Issue 33•04

Oprah Winfrey is being sued in Texas court by beef-industry representatives, who claim that remarks she made on a show about mad-cow disease were "false and disparaging," costing them millions of dollars in beef sales. What do you think?

Girl With Glasses

Bernice Gadsen,
Homemaker
"As a fat, uneducated housewife, I am deeply torn between my love of Oprah and my love of beef."

Blonde Girl

Angela Dorner,
Cashier
"Because of what Oprah said, I'm not eating beef anymore. I'm also applying blush with the cheekbone."

Minority Guy

Chris Kelleher,
Optometrist
"I just hope this trial doesn't keep Oprah from telling me what to read this month."

Guy With Sunglasses

Kevin Ingersoll,
Student
"The Beef Council must be very worried about the millions of dollars it would lose if Oprah were to stop buying beef."

Wimpy Guy

Roy Brady,
Systems Analyst
"Today on her show, Oprah was wearing a mauve pullover. Now I hear mauve-pullover futures are going through the roof."

Other Guy

Reid Humphries,
Lawyer
"Oprah's guilt in this case is implicit. After all, she has claimed many times that she's every woman."

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