The Onion

Premarital Counseling

April 30, 1997 | Issue 31•16

In response to escalating divorce rates, some federal legislators are pushing for a law that would require all engaged couples to meet with a counselor before getting married. What do you think?

Girl With Glasses

Felicia Koonce,
Systems Analyst
"My fiancée and I go through premarital counseling all the time. We call it, 'Scream At The No-Good Baby That Ruined Our Lives.'"

Guy With Sunglasses

Tyler Grieg,
Chiropractor
"What are the counselors gonna say? 'Don't throw the best years of your life away on some broad that's bangin' your brother while you're busting your hump all day at Carpetland'? 'Cause that's what they should say."

Wimpy Guy

Ryan Sturbridge,
School Psychologist
"Screw premarital counseling. What my future wife needs is blow-job counseling. I mean, she's stroking too slow and scraping her teeth way too much."

Minority Guy

Nevin Vance,
Bartender
"Everything I needed to know about marriage I learned from the Georgia Satellites."

Blonde Girl

Donna Moreland,
Sculptor
"I think premarital counseling is crucial. We had ours at Macy's, and without it we never would have picked out the Lenox Old English pattern china."

Other Guy

Tim Brundage,
Chemical Engineer
"If I had only gotten the proper pre-burger counseling last Tuesday, maybe I wouldn't have put on all that extra mayo."

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