The Onion

The McVeigh Trial

April 9, 1997 | Issue 31•13

With the Oklahoma City bombing trial about to begin, many observers are questioning whether defendant Timothy McVeigh—the subject of intense media scrutiny for nearly two years—can get a fair trial before an unbiased jury. What do you think?

Minority Guy

Mitchell Dyer,
Systems Analyst
"What's so hard about giving him a fair trial? If he floats, he's a witch. Case closed."

Guy With Sunglasses

Ron Young,
Pianist
"I think the biggest threat to McVeigh's getting a fair trial is the fact that he blew up that federal building in Oklahoma City."

Wimpy Guy

Ken Francona,
Caterer
"It's the trial of the century! Or, at least, this year's trial of the century. Okay, this year's second trial of the century."

Girl With Glasses

Ellen Sakata,
Podiatrist
"America should have a permanent supply of 12 people encased in lucite for just such occasions."

Blonde Girl

Harriet Mortimer,
Student
"Even if he did set off that bomb, who's to say those people wouldn't have blown up anyway?"

Other Guy

Arlo Unger,
Legal Secretary
"Maybe he can plea-bargain down to 16,000 counts of littering and mishandling biological waste."

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