The Onion

Homelessness Crackdown

December 22, 1999 | Issue 35•47

In addition to New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani's controversial order for arrests of the homeless, many city officials are passing legislation to address the growing problem of homelessness. What do you think about these so-called anti-homelessness laws?

Old Woman

Dorothy Corson,
Transcriptionist
"In this day and age, people shouldn't be living in the streets. They should be down in the subway tunnels where we don't have to look at them."

Young Man

John Metcalfe,
Library Assistant
"Hey, I bought my Comic Relief sweatshirt. If you're still homeless, it's your own goddamn fault."

Black Man

Thomas Canby,
Ceramic Engineer
"I don't think them as anti-homelessness laws. I think of them as pro-homeowner laws."

Old Man

George Crossette,
Systems Analyst
"Thank God we've finally stopped looking at the causes of this terrible social problem and started focusing on the symptoms."

Young Woman

Julie Billard,
Cosmetologist
"The fact is that most of the homeless aren't 'just lazy' or even simply unemployed—they're under the effects of CIA mind-control satellites which speak to them through street dogs."

Asian Man

Andy Poggenpohl,
Data Entry Clerk
"Three cheers for Mayor Giuliani! Get those bums off the street! What? I wasn't loitering, Officer. I was just answering the reporter's question. Hey, let go! Aagh!"

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