The Onion

Right-to-Die Controversy

January 22, 1997 | Issue 31•02

Right-to-die has been a hot issue of late, with both pro- and anti-right-to-die forces holding large demonstrations across the U.S. What do you think of physician-assisted suicide?

Girl With Glasses

Sandra Gregorian,
Systems Analyst
"I believe I have the right to die. I also believe I have the right to say: 'I'm not gonna pay a lot for this muffler.'"

Guy With Sunglasses

Oliver Mielecki,
Botanist
"Everyone has a right to die. Especially all those people I'm planning to stab to death."

Wimpy Guy

Wayne Buice,
Student
"My poor mother broke her leg last May, and we had no choice but to put her down."

Minority Guy

Theo Crawford,
Plumber
"If right-to-die legislation had been passed years ago, think of all that would have been lost—like the last two seasons of The Golden Girls."

Blonde Girl

Nancy Rivers,
Accountant
"Apple, pecan, cherry. I think every person has the right to pie."

Other Guy

Matt Polan,
Caterer
"If you're brain-dead and hooked up to life support, it doesn't matter if you die or not, just as long as you try your best. That's all anyone can ask."

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