The Onion

The UPS Strike

August 19, 1997 | Issue 32•03

The weeks-old UPS strike is badly hurting America's small businesses—employers of 50 percent of the nation's workers—prompting many to call for President Clinton to step in and resolve the dispute. What do you think?

Blonde Girl

Sarah Alessandro,
Secretary
"With the men of UPS on strike, it's been nearly three weeks since I last received a special 'overnight package delivery,' if you know what I mean."

Other Guy

Gene Crandall,
Marketing Executive
"I've got to get a proposal to a client in New York by 8 a.m. tomorrow. I need real business solutions—fast."

Wimpy Guy

Lucas Ross,
Systems Analyst
"None of this matters to me. I ship things the old-fashioned way: plate tectonics."

Girl With Glasses

Nancy Eisen,
Guidance Counselor
"At this rate, by the time my J. Crew order arrives, my cable-knit sweater will be an entirely outdated shade of moss."

Guy With Sunglasses

Keith Datillo,
Carpenter
"I swear, if my Asian bride starves to death in some warehouse, UPS will give me back every dollar I paid."

Minority Guy

Will Durning,
Civil Engineer
"I say this whole strike is a smokescreen. What those guys really want is to keep all them great parcels for themselves."

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