The Onion

Medical Marijuana

December 3, 1996 | Issue 30•17

California recently approved a referendum permitting, in certain cases, the use of marijuana for medicinal purposes. What do you think of doctors being allowed to legally prescribe the drug?

Blonde Girl

Julie Meyers,
Teacher
"I am permitted to smoke dope because I have, like, the flu and shit."

Other Guy

Adam Feuerstein,
State Senator
"One time when I was sick, my dad gave me a big fattie, only it wasn't the kind you smoke."

Wimpy Guy

Michael Hiller,
Surgeon
"I am a Bay Area surgeon, and I recently pioneered a new open-heart surgery technique where a big bag of weed is dropped into the patient's open chest cavity. Results have been mixed."

Minority Guy

Rajeev Thakker,
Architect
"I'd never smoke weed if I had cancer, man. I might freak out and get all paranoid and be, like, 'Whoa! I've got cancer, man!'"

Guy With Sunglasses

Todd Pollack,
Lawyer
"Now if my doctor could just prescribe me some pizza delivered to my place, I'd be fuckin' set."

Girl With Glasses

Cristina Tendero,
Systems Analyst
"I like to whip up a marijuana poultice and apply it to my muscles when they ache. I also pour heroin into some hot water for a dandy foot massage!"

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