The Onion

The First Wives Phenomenon

October 9, 1996 | Issue 30•09

The film The First Wives Club has all of America talking about the issue of men leaving their wives for younger women. Even Time magazine featured the movie's stars on its cover last week. What do you think about the film and the sensation it's causing?

Other Guy

Leigh Orff,
Opthamologist
"First Wives? Bah! When is Time going to cover a real news story—like aliens invading the earth in a summer blockbuster? Now that would be news."

Minority Guy

Eric Hoyer,
Zookeeper
"I'm a rich, white male who has been married twice. Only, I didn't divorce my first wife. I beat her to death with a golf club."

Blonde Girl

Connie Hanson,
Caterer
"When two people with a family divorce, they're not the only ones affected. Please don't forget about the pool cleaner."

Guy With Sunglasses

John Kretchman,
Systems Analyst
"I don't understand what all the hubbub is about—Diane Keaton didn't even take off her shirt."

Wimpy Guy

Bill Feller,
Key Grip
"I ain't seen the movie. But all the guys are talking about it down at the garage."

Girl With Glasses

Melanie Kranz,
Sales Representative
"When my husband left me, I became a member of the Columbia Music Club. Savings is the best revenge!"

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