The Onion

Should The U.S. Help Haiti?

March 3, 2004 | Issue 40•09

President Bush has ordered the deployment of 200 marines to Port-au-Prince, Haiti as part of an "interim international force" to restore stability in the region. What do you think?

Old Man

Daniel Young,
Engineer
"Why should we risk our soldiers' lives when Haiti could simply raise a voodoo army of the dead and protect themselves?"

Old Woman

Kathleen Scott,
Auditing Clerk
"Haiti's really small. Why don't we send that 'Army Of One' I keep hearing about on television?"

Asian Man

Scott Lopez,
Fabricator
"These Haitians should not be asking what America can do for them, but what they can do for America."

Young Man

Timothy Franks,
Laborer
"I spent a week in Tahiti with this shorty I was banging last year. I know it's a different country, but I wanted people to know I was banging a shorty as recently as a year ago."

Black Man

Andrew Hill,
Systems Analyst
"Last time I checked, the Haitians were doing a pretty good job of shooting the place up on their own."

Young Woman

Brenda Walker,
Talent Director
"God helps countries that help themselves."

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