The Onion

McDonald's Unveils Healthier Image

April 21, 2004 | Issue 40•16

Last week, McDonald's announced plans to offer healthier menu items and encourage its customers to get more exercise. What do you think?

Old Woman

Donna Alexander,
Lab Assistant
"Their new 'infrasized meals,' where you can get one-third the food for an extra 99 cents, are definitely a step in the right direction."

Black Man

Jesse Perry,
Audiologist
"Every location should have an amusement-park-style plywood Grimace that says, 'You cannot enter this McDonald's if you're more than this wide.'"

Old Man

Martin Bryant,
Systems Analyst
"Those McDonald's anti-obesity campaign materials are soon to be the prized possessions of every hipster from here to Tacoma."

Asian Man

Bobby Melvin,
Nurse
"I think it's brave. McDonald's is a very brave corporation."

Young Woman

Tonia Coleman,
Promotions Manager
"I guess those playlands don't provide as solid a total-body workout as previously thought."

Young Man

Adam H. Ross,
Sales Clerk
"Man, you can already smell the greasy stench of guilt every time you walk into a McDonald's. Do they have to lay more on?"

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