The Onion

Al-Qaeda Planning Attack

June 2, 2004 | Issue 40•22

Last week, top U.S. officials warned that al-Qaeda plans to attack our country in the next few months. What do you think?

Old Woman

Janet Barker,
Pedicurist
"Those terrorists don't scare me. At least not without the help of my government."

Black Man

Jacob Shafer,
Accountant
"Is this question about today's terror announcement, or the three last month, or the one they'll announce tomorrow?"

Young Woman

Marlene Porter,
Real Estate Agent
"Well, Grandpa's been complaining about his shoulder lately, and that can only mean one thing."

Young Man

Charles Sornsin,
Cook
"Awesome! This will save me the trouble of killing myself!"

Asian Man

Juan Axelson,
Barber
"So we should...?"

Old Man

Timothy Seymour,
Systems Analyst
"I'm sorry, but if they attack us again, we're going to have to go after them this time."

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