The Onion

Kobe Bryant Case Dismissed

September 8, 2004 | Issue 40•36

Last week, prosecutors dropped the felony sexual-assault charge against basketball star Kobe Bryant. What do you think?

Old Woman

Sandy Miller,
Teacher
"Well, there you have it. The system works."

Young Woman

Amy O'Keefe,
Studio Musician
"All you people who have been clamoring for a pro athlete who's not a convicted felon, here's your man."

Black Man

James Tompkins,
Lawyer
"At last, Kobe is vindicated before the eyes of the nation: He's not a rapist; he just constantly cheats on his wife."

Asian Man

Eric Mills,
Chef
"He's still guilty of losing to the no-name Detroit Pistons in the NBA Finals."

Young Man

Michael Bartko,
Systems Analyst
"Every time a black man gets famous, they try to drag him down. But every time a woman asserts herself, they call her a slut. So I'm torn."

Old Man

Jeffrey Larsen,
Mayor
"Could they at least tell us if he did it or not?"

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