The Onion

Antidepressant Use In Children

September 22, 2004 | Issue 40•38

Last week, the FDA announced that children who take antidepressants face an increased risk of suicide, but some doctors dispute the claim. What do you think?

Young Woman

Sheila Wooster,
Paralegal
"That's why I give my kid St. John's Wort. At least it's not gonna make my kid kill himself, even if it doesn't work for shit."

Black Man

Russell Bigelow,
Broker
"As a despised father, I believe suicide is just a smokescreen for America's real problem—patricide."

Young Man

David Zarnke,
Web Designer
"Kids with depression see through all the bullshit that everyone else accepts. The Prozac just gives them the clarity of mind to follow through with what they need to do."

Asian Man

Lazaro Padron,
Bank Teller
"Conversely, I read that kids placed on depressants are spontaneously bursting into joyful choreographed song-and-dance routines in town squares nationwide."

Old Man

Eric Morarend,
Systems Analyst
"What do people expect with kids being fed the Yu-Gi-Oh! and the Dragonball Z and the whole Japanese cultural imperative to save face through ritualistic seppuku?"

Old Woman

Denise Parham,
Teacher
"Goddamn little brats! They want something to kill themselves about? I'll give them something to kill themselves about."

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