The Onion

Iraq Hostages

September 29, 2004 | Issue 40•39

Extremists in Iraq continue to use hostage-taking to convey their message, leaving much of the world wondering what can be done. What do you think?

Old Man

Carl Preston,
Systems Analyst
"Why don't we make hostage-taking punishable by the death penalty? Then everyone would think twice before doing it."

Young Man

Dave Rudd,
Clerk
"I'll tell you, I'm about six or seven beheadings away from demanding some answers about what's going on in Iraq."

Asian Man

Roger Monroe,
Firefighter
"I'd like to think that if the situation were reversed, we here in Schaumburg wouldn't treat our hostages this way."

Young Woman

Dora Drucker,
Lawyer
"If I ever got beheaded, I would make sure the geyser of blood would stain my captors' clothing so they'd have to throw it out. Take that, terrorists!"

Old Woman

Bea Larson,
Public Official
"As a State Department official, let me say that bargaining with terrorists is unacceptable. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause for the hostages."

Black Man

Chet Johnson,
Civil Engineer
"We should just shoot 'em all and let God sort 'em out. That's God, mind you, not Allah."

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