The Onion

Secret Searches Ruled Illegal

October 6, 2004 | Issue 40•40

Last week, a federal judge deemed a Patriot Act provision that allowed the FBI to secretly obtain Internet and telephone records unconstitutional. What do you think?

Black Man

Jerry Collins,
Systems Analyst
"If John Ashcroft hadn't personally been doing all the searches, I would've felt a little more comfortable about them."

Young Man

Jason Green,
Stockroom Worker
"Thank God that Internet-records part was struck down. If the government ever found out that I bought Bring It On from Amazon, I'd die of embarrassment."

Old Woman

Alice Morrison,
Actuary
"Wait a second. The rest of the Patriot Act is still okay?"

Old Man

Albert Cook,
Mathematician
"I'm glad the provision was deemed illegal, because it would've forced my phone provider to lie to me. I just couldn't handle knowing that Verizon had lied to me."

Asian Man

Carl Perez,
Title Searcher
"The Patriot Act never made sense to me. Aren't the Republicans proponents of small government? Hey! Where are you taking me?"

Young Woman

Katherine Kane,
Interior
Designer

"That's the way these things happen. First, they overturn one little clause, then they whittle away at the rest. Before you know it, our civil liberties will be totally restored."

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