The Onion

Consumption Tax Proposed

March 9, 2005 | Issue 41•10

Last week, Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan said a consumption tax, such as a national sales tax, could benefit the nation's economy. What do you think?

Black Man

Timothy Potts,
Systems Analyst
"This tax would unfairly penalize people whose televisions aren't as large as they'd like."

Young Woman

Lola Stein,
Drafter
"So, does this mean that, in the future, if I don't want law and order to utterly collapse, I'll have to buy at least five things a day?"

Asian Man

Jarrod Ray,
Police Officer
"I'd been wondering if my daily ramen-noodles consumption could somehow be turned into a revenue stream for the federal government."

Old Woman

Connie Crane,
Dentist
"That damn Kerry! Even though he didn't get elected, he's somehow managed to sneak his insidious liberal tax-raising agenda onto us anyway!"

Old Man

Corey Bernard,
Accountant
"As a man with a massive income that I only spend on necessities, this sounds like an ideal plan."

Young Man

Adrian Sears,
Short Order Cook
"We tried an income-based tax for nearly a century and look what it brought us: greater economic stability and government accountability. Clearly, we must explore other options."

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