The Onion

Oil Drilling In Alaska

March 23, 2005 | Issue 41•12

In a major political victory for President Bush, the Senate recently voted to open the Alaskan Arctic Wildlife Refuge to oil drilling. What do you think?

Young Woman

Cecelia Mayo,
Systems Analyst
"This can't be true. Bush described himself as an environmental guardian last fall, and I've seen photos of him standing in front of trees."

Asian Man

Angel Macias,
Lifeguard
"At least now we'll see the area destroyed in 10 short years instead of watching global warming do it over a painful, drawn-out 40."

Young Man

Ted Bonner,
Locksmith
"What I don't get is why this counts as 'a victory for the energy lobby' instead of 'a loss for the country at large.'"

Old Man

Floyd Holden,
Author
"But... but where will there be pristine and untouched wonders left for me to drive my GMC Yukon through?"

Black Man

Richard Lott,
Civil Engineer
"They're drilling in the Alaskan wilderness? That's too bad. Someone really ought to look into passing laws to put such places under federal protection so this doesn't happen again."

Old Woman

Loni Sweet,
Histopathologist
"If I may be allowed to pursue the idea of 'addiction to oil,' I think the nation just reached the point where we sold our wedding ring for one night's fix."

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