The Onion

Many Cancer Deaths Preventable

April 6, 2005 | Issue 41•14

According to the American Cancer Society, more than 60 percent of all cancer deaths could be prevented if Americans lived healthier lives. What do you think?

Black Man

Preston Brady,
Systems Analyst
"Preventable? What those doctors really mean is 'preventable with minor effort and inconvenience.'"

Young Woman

Darla Clayton,
Teacher
"So, all I have to do is cut out smoking, drinking, eating, breathing, and driving, and I'll die of something other than cancer? Hooray!"

Asian Man

Damon Frank,
Tax Preparer
"When I had cancer, I received care and attention for the first time in my life. What makes you think I'd trade that for jogging three miles a day by myself?"

Old Woman

Trudy Massey,
Stock Clerk
"That advice is all well and good, but what about people like me, who don't have the time to not smoke?"

Old Man

Peter Logan,
Technical Writer
"My dad smoked like a chimney, ate only steaks, and drank bourbon every day, and he lived to be 54. Keep in mind, this was back in the '70s, when that was considered quite old."

Young Man

Bennie Lloyd,
Unemployed
"Boy, I'd hate to get a disease and die at 60 instead of enjoying those extra three decades of livin' la vida nursing home."

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