The Onion

Texas-Cheerleader Crackdown

May 11, 2005 | Issue 41•19

Last week, the Texas House of Representatives approved a bill banning "overtly sexually suggestive" high-school cheerleading routines. What do you think?

Black Man

Erik Booth,
Systems Analyst
"See?! See what happens when you bring it on, Kirsten Dunst?!"

Young Woman

Cindy Campos,
Lifeguard
"If we outlawed everything some people find offensive, there wouldn't even be a Texas in the first place."

Asian Man

Jon Patell,
Loan Clerk
"Is there a way to comment on this without seeming like a huge perv? All right then, I like the jiggling. Are you happy?"

Old Woman

Dianne Pruitt,
Store Owner
"Texas lawmakers: always on the vanguard of educational reform."

Old Man

Alvin Humphrey,
Laser Engineer
"The law needs to differentiate clearly between lewd cheerleading and regular cheerleading. I've been masturbating to both for quite some time, and trust me, there are subtle differences."

Young Man

Alex Stafford,
Laundry Worker
"As a former Texas football player, I've gotta say I never noticed the cheerleaders. Don't tell the other guys, though, 'cause they'd kick the shit outta me if they knew that I was gay."

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