The Onion

Medical Marijuana

June 15, 2005 | Issue 41•24

Last week, the Supreme Court upheld the federal government's right to ban marijuana use, even in states that allow it for medical reasons. What do you think?

Old Woman

Irina Manta,
Systems Analyst
"This is sad news for me and other survivors of nausea."

Asian Man

Brian Netter,
Tile Setter
"I was surprised by the judges' reaction to this whole thing. Especially Scalia, because, y'know, he's cool."

Young Man

Alan Schoenfeld,
Shoe Salesman
"Well, can't these cancer patients paint, play sports, or listen to music instead of doing drugs? That's what they taught us in health class."

Black Man

Daniel S. Korobkin,
Podiatirst
"Dude, the small-government-advocating, states-rights-supporting conservatives must've been totally high when they wrote that decision."

Old Man

Robert Yablon,
Banker
"The Court made the right decision. Once you legalize the medical use of marijuana, it's only a matter of time before you start seeing medical use of harder narcotics, like morphine."

Young Woman

Caroline Wilson,
Lab Supervisor
"Great. Now how am I supposed to treat my recurrent case of Doritos Aversion Syndrome?"

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