The Onion

National Parks Under Siege

July 13, 2005 | Issue 41•28

Attendance at America's national parks has quadrupled in the past 30 years, spawning pollution and traffic problems. What do you think?

Young Man

Oscar Sowell,
Machinist
"Hey, I own the national parks as much as anyone, so I'm going to plow my RV into as many herds of deer as I like."

Old Man

Jeff Palmer,
Teacher
"They should hire some more of those giant owls that pick up garbage."

Old Woman

Angela Koerner,
Systems Analyst
"Maybe if the parks had some decent four-lane highways running through them, there wouldn't be so much traffic."

Asian Man

Steve Tendero,
Bartender
"I don't buy this overcrowding bullshit for a minute: They just want us out of Yellowstone so they can grow more 'Old Faithful Primo Gold,' the special top-secret Senate marijuana."

Young Woman

Lynette Bosch,
Claims Adjuster
"Why visit some overcrowded national park when you can spend your summer vacation at the Our Lady Of Fatima Grotto & Fireworks Stand, located just five miles off I-90 in scenic Onida, SD?"

Black Man

Christopher Lee,
Advertising Sales
"The beauty of our national parks is awe-inspiring. Except for Jellystone. I drove through there once, and it was just the same tree, rock, and picnic bench going by in the background over and over."

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