The Onion

Hospital Infections

July 20, 2005 | Issue 41•29

According to a Pennsylvania study released last week, nearly 12,000 people contracted infections during hospital stays last year. What do you think?

Young Man

Dustin Kelly,
Art Teacher
"Perhaps this problem would be solved if hospitals used a strong-smelling antiseptic and painted everything white."

Old Man

Marshall Chitwood,
Statistical Clerk
"This is why I remained conscious during my hip-replacement surgery and insisted that rubber gloves were worn at all times."

Old Woman

Anne Kohl,
Winemaker
"Infections too, now? I thought it was bad enough when they put me in a room full of sick people, stuck me with needles, and took away my pants."

Asian Man

Tom Rosen,
Secretary
"A closed-off building filled with contagious people? Whose idea were hospitals, anyway?"

Young Woman

Heather Ramirez,
Insurance Underwriter
"See, this is exactly the sort of thing that pisses off House, M.D. each week."

Black Man

Douglas Hurd,
Systems Analyst
"That explains why my triple-bypass surgery was done outdoors."

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