Super Bowl Party-Planning Tips
Jan. 28 is Super Sunday, a day for friends, food, and football. Here are some tips to help you score a "touchdown" with your Super Bowl party:
- Set aside a special area of the living-room floor to throw chicken bones.
- A complete and reverent silence should be maintained whenever Armen Keteyian speaks.
- Before guests arrive, be sure to hide any copies of Harper's Weekly, The Atlantic Monthly, and The New Yorker you may have lying around.
- Pre-soak all Doritos in Pabst Blue Ribbon.
- During commercial breaks, make non-stop sarcastic comments about the stupidity of Super Bowl ads. Rest assured, you'll be the first person in history to do so.
- If you do not know how to watch football on TV, ask an experienced friend to help you through the hard parts.
- The Super Bowl is the premier event of the entire sports year. Be sure to use the good chip bowl and your finest inflatable furniture.
- Provide "dip," into which chips can be dipped.
- If rooting for the Giants, openly question Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis' role in the stabbing deaths of two men outside an Atlanta nightclub following last year's Super Bowl.
- Do not wear a jersey featuring the name and number of an actual NFL player. Confused guests will wonder why a famous athlete is at the party, especially if that athlete is supposed to be playing in the Super Bowl.
- Urinate in each corner of room to mark your territory prior to the arrival of other males.
- At the end of the second quarter, switch over to the Lifetime Network for the Judith Light Halftime Spectacular.
- Select the cars you're going to overturn beforehand, because you're going to be really drunk afterwards.
- Leave nosehairs untrimmed for a minimum of three weeks before game.
