Winterizing Tips
The season of sledding and snowmen, winter can be lots of fun—if you prepare in advance. Here are some tips on getting ready for the cold:
- If your heat is turned off, remember: In a pinch you can cut open
your fat spouse and sleep in his/her 98.6° abdominal cavity - Use phrases like "I love you" and "You are special to me" to create warm feelings in home
- Check anti-freeze level if ice build-up becomes a problem in beverages
- Be sure to caulk all drafty orifices
- This winter, heat things up with "Red-Hot Friday Late-Nites" on Cinemax
- Encase your car battery in a warm glow of positive reinforcement by
visualizing it bathed in a nurturing, healing light - If absolutely necessary, it is considered acceptable to slay and eat
your dogsled team - Heat comes from fire; make sure your house is made of materials that burn
- Cover your home stereo system with weather-resistant tape—this will
prevent Old Man Edgar Winter from gaining a foothold - Grow thick layer of fur on body
- Cover tongue with special Gore-Tex sock before tasting icy metal poles
- Enjoy a hot beverage from time to time
- If flying above the Andes Mountains this winter season, bring along
plenty of extra Paraguayan soccer players "just in case" - Plug up crevices of house with mixture of sheep dung and straw
- Save fatty parts of whales and seals as fuel
- Master the art of hibernation by developing an enzyme that breaks down urea and other potentially poisonous chemicals created by the body during dormancy
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Shoveling driveway
