Stress Relief Tips

Did you know that 9 out of 10 Americans experience stress at least once a day?* In this fast-paced, high-pressure society of ours, it’s easy to become "stressed out." Here are a few handy tips for coping:

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• Go to a Hallmark store where they sell "Mr. Squeezie" Stress Reduction Ball; slap clerk
  
• Count to 10 in German, screaming
  
• Inhale deeply; count to five; exhale; re-light joint; repeat
  
• Cry like a goddamn woman

• Rig up special system to blast ear with air-horn every time you feel yourself tensing up
  
• Enjoy soothing coma
  
• Take up fun hobby, such as human ear collecting
  
• Install dolphin tank in upstairs bathtub; speak their sea tongue, learn their ancient wisdom
  
• Put on relaxing acoustic music; dim the lights; shoot heroin into corners of eyes
  
• Release aggression by punching a soft, yielding object, like a sock, pillow or wife
  
• Brew up pot of boiling herbal tea; pour over face
  
• Have shoulder muscles surgically removed
  
• Treat self to 36-hour getaway atop campus clock tower
  
• Open fire in Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant; take own life

*Official Statistic—U.S. Stress Department