Lawn-And-Garden Tips
For homeowners, few things are more satisfying than a beautiful lawn and garden. Here are some tips to help you improve yours:
- Experiment with different nitrogen-based fertilizers to find the one with the best greening power and highest blast radius.
- Gang members will often pour malt liquor onto the ground in memory of their dead homies, resulting in soil damage. Shoo gang members away from your front yard.
- To preserve your place in the highly competitive suburban social hierarchy, make sure your lawn is always 1/8 of an inch shorter than your neighbor's.
- Do not plant magic beans within 25 feet of your home. Doing so will place it at risk of severe foundation damage.
- If your lawn doesn't look as green as it could, warn Manuel that you could fire him and hire another one just like him in a second.
- Mowing a pentagram into your lawn not only looks cool; it will also increase your dark powers.
- Gardening experts agree that talking to your plants is a great way to exhale carbon dioxide onto them.
- If you own a riding mower, do you have any idea how stupid you look on it?
- Under no circumstance should you allow a circus to set up in your backyard.
- Don't let "the fellas" see you growing a flower garden like a fairy sissy girl. Build an indoor greenhouse instead.
- Planting vegetables is a great money-saver. Over the course of a summer, you could shave $75 off your grocery bill with just a few hundred hours of work.
- If your family has been suffering a string of lawn-related injuries, consider installing natural grass.
- Gardening may take a lot of hard work and patience, but before you know it, you'll find a vegetable humorously shaped liked human genitals.
- Remember the movie The Lawnmower Man? Me neither.
- Make a faustian bargain with shadowy garden gnomes in which you exchange your soul for some really good gardenias.
