At the AV Club: Glengarry Glen Ross

Horoscopes

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Past Horoscopes

March 16, 2010

Aries There truly is more than one way to skin a cat, but the limited market for cat skins makes learning more than three methods impractical.

March 9, 2010

Taurus Fear and Jealousy will soon tear you apart, which is rather unfortunate, as Fear and Jealousy are the two pitbulls that live next door.

March 2, 2010

Gemini The presence of Saturn in your sign this week indicates strength, determination, and you getting repeatedly struck by a Model SL1 Series.

February 16, 2010

Cancer Attempts to run away from the problem will fail this week when the problem turns out to be a short-circuited treadmill.

February 9, 2010

Leo Yes, love is a total mystery. Those semen stains, though, are probably a clue.

February 2, 2010

Virgo Your new pheromone-based cologne will make you irresistible to women, who will devour you, bones, hair, and all.

January 26, 2010

Libra The red-tailed hawk is known for its hooked bill, its sharp claws, and after this Thursday, its rather keen sense of revenge.

January 19, 2010

Scorpio The story of the universe has always fascinated you, but the ending will leave you with a lot of unanswered questions.

January 12, 2010

Sagittarius When it comes to race relations, you're colorblind. Also when it comes to sofas, desk chairs, and traffic lights.

See All Horoscopes

August 24, 2005 | Issue 41•34

 

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

You're normally the type of rational, level-headed person who doesn't believe in magic, but you have no other explanation for all the rabbits and pigeons in that man's tuxedo.

 

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

For years, people have gone to universities and academies to hone their young minds, but you are 100 percent convinced that your trick of working yours firmly against an oiled whetstone does the job faster and just as well.

 

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21

It may have been a unique way to propose marriage, but you wish that your husband woud simply pick up the phone and call you, rather than renting the Jumbotron every time he has something to say.

 

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22

You'll finally achieve closure this week, just when it seemed your life would go on interminably.

 

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22

Turns out the "jackalope" is merely a taxidermist's trick, which explains why the one you managed to catch tasted so goddamn bad.

 

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

You're still young, but eventually, you will learn that wearing sandals is no way for a man to go through his life on this earth.

 

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23

You're extremely excited about the new breakthroughs in plastic surgery, until you realize they still cannot turn you entirely to plastic.

 

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21

You don't care if time travel is currently believed to be a physical impossibility. There is not a doubt in your mind that that is you, second from left in the "The Last Supper."

 

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

After swearing lifelong fellatio to the Marine Corps of the United States of America, you'll be introduced to a red-faced young recruiter who mistakenly believes you don't know what the word means.

 

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

You'll finally hook up with that cute young guy from the health club when a hot-oil hair treatment sends you to the burn ward where he's a doctor.

 

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

Romance will bloom all around you this week, leaving you alone and desolate in the eye of a veritable romance hurricane.

 

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

You've traveled halfway around the world and seen things you never would have otherwise, but you're starting to think that moving dollar bill might have some sort of string attached to it.

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