Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You're normally the type of rational, level-headed person who doesn't believe in magic, but you have no other explanation for all the rabbits and pigeons in that man's tuxedo.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
For years, people have gone to universities and academies to hone their young minds, but you are 100 percent convinced that your trick of working yours firmly against an oiled whetstone does the job faster and just as well.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
It may have been a unique way to propose marriage, but you wish that your husband woud simply pick up the phone and call you, rather than renting the Jumbotron every time he has something to say.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You'll finally achieve closure this week, just when it seemed your life would go on interminably.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Turns out the "jackalope" is merely a taxidermist's trick, which explains why the one you managed to catch tasted so goddamn bad.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You're still young, but eventually, you will learn that wearing sandals is no way for a man to go through his life on this earth.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You're extremely excited about the new breakthroughs in plastic surgery, until you realize they still cannot turn you entirely to plastic.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You don't care if time travel is currently believed to be a physical impossibility. There is not a doubt in your mind that that is you, second from left in the "The Last Supper."
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
After swearing lifelong fellatio to the Marine Corps of the United States of America, you'll be introduced to a red-faced young recruiter who mistakenly believes you don't know what the word means.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You'll finally hook up with that cute young guy from the health club when a hot-oil hair treatment sends you to the burn ward where he's a doctor.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Romance will bloom all around you this week, leaving you alone and desolate in the eye of a veritable romance hurricane.
