Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
You're normally the type of rational, level-headed person who doesn't believe in magic, but you have no other explanation for all the rabbits and pigeons in that man's tuxedo.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
For years, people have gone to universities and academies to hone their young minds, but you are 100 percent convinced that your trick of working yours firmly against an oiled whetstone does the job faster and just as well.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
It may have been a unique way to propose marriage, but you wish that your husband woud simply pick up the phone and call you, rather than renting the Jumbotron every time he has something to say.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You'll finally achieve closure this week, just when it seemed your life would go on interminably.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Turns out the "jackalope" is merely a taxidermist's trick, which explains why the one you managed to catch tasted so goddamn bad.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You're still young, but eventually, you will learn that wearing sandals is no way for a man to go through his life on this earth.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You're extremely excited about the new breakthroughs in plastic surgery, until you realize they still cannot turn you entirely to plastic.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You don't care if time travel is currently believed to be a physical impossibility. There is not a doubt in your mind that that is you, second from left in the "The Last Supper."
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
After swearing lifelong fellatio to the Marine Corps of the United States of America, you'll be introduced to a red-faced young recruiter who mistakenly believes you don't know what the word means.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You'll finally hook up with that cute young guy from the health club when a hot-oil hair treatment sends you to the burn ward where he's a doctor.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Romance will bloom all around you this week, leaving you alone and desolate in the eye of a veritable romance hurricane.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You've traveled halfway around the world and seen things you never would have otherwise, but you're starting to think that moving dollar bill might have some sort of string attached to it.
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Past Horoscopes
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Aries Coughing up blood is usually a sign of serious illness, but in your case it just means you're drinking it too fast.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Taurus You couldn't have done it without the encouragement and assistance of your college professor, which is too bad, since "it" refers to getting pregnant and dropping out of school.
April 29, 2008
Issue 44•18
Gemini The coming week will be influenced by forces outside your control, namely gravity, linear momentum, and high velocity friction.
April 22, 2008
Issue 44•17
Cancer Thanks to Pavlovian conditioning and a rather unexpected string of neighborhood accidents, you'll soon salivate every time an ice-cream truck runs over a puppy.
April 15, 2008
Issue 44•16
Leo It's true that God created you in His likeness. Unfortunately for you, God was feeling particularly shitty about Himself that day.
April 8, 2008
Issue 44•15
Virgo You've never been very good with technology, making this week's unstoppable killing machine especially difficult for you to handle.
April 1, 2008
Issue 44•14
Libra You may be invisible to those around you, but remember: It's not the type of invisible that lets you have sex with unsuspecting and bewildered women.
March 25, 2008
Issue 44•13
Scorpio While you admit you've made some mistakes in the past, the clockwork regularity and strangely detached manner in which you do so is really starting to freak people out.
March 18, 2008
Issue 44•12
Sagittarius Steve Jobs will have limited interest in your prototype of a new iPod that holds up to four songs, yet fits comfortably inside an ordinary dump truck.