Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
It's bad enough that you earned the undying enmity of a murderous elephant, but this particular bull is a member of the Azuma ninja herd—unusually cunning, stealthy, and skilled in the use of blowguns and exotic poisons.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You'll be relieved when you're assigned to be a lighthouse keeper 200 miles above the Arctic Circle, especially when you think of how close you came to being named manager of the Detroit Tigers.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Hopelessly lost on America's backroads, you will stumble upon an isolated, acid-washed, hair-metal-loving small town that doesn't realize the Cold War is over.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You're suddenly a very hot commodity when Sony announces that the next generation of recordable digital media will be synthesized from your heart's blood.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You've always thought that breast implants were kind of sad, but you'll wind up with nine of them anyway.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
It's important to keep yourself looking and feeling good, but your relentless reapplication of home permanents is beginning to seem disturbing.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
It's not that people mind it when you rappel in through skylights, but it does clash strangely with your love of making an entrance by popping out of cakes.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your graffiti tags are as distinctive as they are funky, which is why you shouldn't even bother lying to the people of Jerusalem about what you did to the Wailing Wall.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
It doesn't matter if you've done nothing wrong and been charged with no crime. CNN's Nancy Grace is certain beyond a shadow of a doubt that you're guilty and should be "put down like a dog."
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You'll become a living symbol of what's wrong with paddling in public schools after you repeatedly break into Birmingham, AL's Jordan High and demand to be spanked.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
There's been a lot of trouble and turmoil on Wall Street lately, which is probably why they keep asking you if they can stay on your couch for October.
