The Onion

Wrongly Imprisoned Man Won't Shut Up About It

August 31, 2005 | Issue 41•35

JOLIET, IL—George Howard Buell, an inmate wrongfully imprisoned at Stateville Correctional Center for third-degree sexual assault and aggravated battery, won't shut the hell up about being innocent.

 Wrongly

George Buell

Buell, 46, an Elmhurst, IL electrician, was convicted of raping and burglarizing his elderly neighbor in 1994, despite the fact that he was at work when the crime occurred. He was mistakenly sentenced to a prison term of 20 years to life. Since then, his imprisonment has been a source of nonstop bellyaching.

"I'm completely innocent of the charges brought against me," Buell said in yet another long-winded jailhouse statement last week. "I am a victim of inept police work, conflict-of-interest issues among the prosecution, and a lackadaisical defense. Anyone with even a peripheral familiarity with my case could see the inconsistencies. It's a complete miscarriage of justice."

Buell's insufferable tirades have taken the form of numerous appeals to state and federal courts, unsuccessful attempts to launch public petitions, and e-publishing a 400,000-word autobiography titled Won't Someone Please Hear My Anguished Plea?

"Okay, I get it—he's innocent already," said Eric Holsapple, Buell's court-appointed attorney. "Like I don't know that. I only toiled for, like, forever years making a case out of it. Every time I talk to him, I have to brace myself—okay, here comes the sob story, again."

After spending four years trying to capture the media's attention with the story of his innocence, the wrongfully imprisoned inmate began pestering the courts in 2001 for additional DNA testing or a declaration of a mistrial.

"I will take a lie-detector test. I will do anything. I don't belong in prison," the incessant motormouth said. "The security tape in the garage where I work shows me pulling into the lot at the time the crime took place. It wasn't admitted as evidence. That fact alone should be grounds for a mistrial."

Buell's cellmate, Bob Hannan, has heard the "in jail for a crime I didn't commit" song and dance "about a million times." Said Hannan: "The parking lot surveillance videotape, the horrible injustice. I've heard it all. A lot. I didn't like the way they handled my case either. But you don't hear me yammering about it all the time. It's called moving on."

Continued
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