God Outdoes Terrorists Yet Again

September 7, 2005 | Issue 41•36

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Another Saints Season Ruined Before It Begins

NEW ORLEANS—Front-office executives of the New Orleans Saints football team provided a much-needed dose of normalcy Monday when they announced that, for the 23rd year running, the Saints season had been ruined before it began. "I'd say this is even worse than when Mike Ditka traded away all our draft picks to get Ricky Williams," said Saints vice president of pro-personnel operations Bill Kuharich. "But there's one thing we Saints can always rely on: our chances for a winning season being shitcanned before we play a single down. We're proud to have carried on with this tradition despite everything." The National Football League has declined the Saints' "mercy rule" request to be allowed to forfeit all their home games, saying the team must set an example for its home city by being blown out in every contest.

Shrimp Joint Now Shrimp Habitat

NEW ORLEANS—Big Etienne's, a popular stop for New Orleans-style jambalaya, shrimp po' boys, and gumbo, has become a near-perfect habitat for Penaeus setiferus, the ubiquitous white shrimp used in jambalaya, shrimp po' boys, and gumbo. "It's far too early to call this a bright side, but the restaurant's location on the Delta, combined with its rickety, shabby-chic fisherman's décor, have combined to create a serviceable ecosystem for this particular species of marine life," said Juanita Colon of the Federal Department of Fisheries. Colon said if floodwaters recede significantly, many New Orleans parking lots would be suitable locations for the cultivation of dirty rice.

Bush Urges Victims To Gnaw On Bootstraps For Sustenance

WASHINGTON, DC—In an emergency White House address Sunday, President Bush urged all people dying from several days without food and water in New Orleans to "tap into the American entrepreneurial spirit" and gnaw on their own bootstraps for sustenance. "Government handouts are not the answer," Bush said. "I believe in smaller government, which is why I have drastically cut welfare and levee upkeep. I encourage you poor folks to fill yourself up on your own bootstraps. Buckle down, and tear at them like a starving animal." Responding to reports that many Katrina survivors have lost everything in the disaster, Bush said, "Only when you work hard and chew desperately on your own footwear can you live the American dream."